Tails from the Bramleys

Good afternoon (or whatever time it is where you are). It is I, Leo. You were probably expecting the White Delight but I’m afraid he’s sulking

I’m not sulking. But I’m cross he’s interfering with my blog.

He’s been reprimanded for thumping about on the conservatory roof during a zoom class. In fact, I was in my box in the conservatory listening to the lecture myself, and it was awful. (Simba on the roof, that is, not the lecture.)

He has large paws, you know, and you could see them quite clearly and, by the way, they’re very dirty. They should be pink and they are mainly black. He kept jumping up and down. One student asked about the noise and was told it was a bird.  A bird! The White Delight wouldn’t like that.

No I didn’t. I’m not remotely like a bird, nasty noxious and noisy things.  Anyway, I don’t thump. Actually, I’m very light on my little pink paws and I don’t know why I’m in trouble.  They’ve become a bit funny recently, since they went to the vet to be vaccinated. Actually, they seem to be happy and we don’t know why. Vaccinations don’t make us happy, I can tell you. But whatever. Anyway, Leo’s in trouble too, for standing on the threshold of the door and letting the cold air in.

I’m not in trouble. Not at all. I merely wish to test the air temperature before I venture out.

Inflammatory!  I am not old, merely mature. Ask Maud.

Not likely.  I don’t like that Maud. She’s blotchy. Anyway, she hissed at me. HISSED! AT ME!

Blotchy?  She’s beautiful.  A work of modern art, a bit like me – just look.  I’ll do more than hiss at him of he says that again.  I think I should box his ears and send him off to clean his paws.

No need. I’ve iglatised myself. The thought of Maud hissing and Leo boxing my ears is just too much!

Love Simba

And Leo  XXXXX

(And, in case you’re wondering, I always have the White Delight’s interests at heart, I was worried in case he fell off that roof!)

Hello Everyone.  Simba here. We’re laughing again. We do that sometimes, as you know. Why are we laughing?  We’re amused because they keep wandering around all the time, and sometimes they shake their limbs!

We’re not quite sure why they are doing it, but it seems to be something to do with those Fitbit things they wear.  Why they wear anything is beyond me.

Whatever. They count steps with those Fitbit things. We wouldn’t know how to do that. We can count of course  (I carefully count kibbles to make sure Leo isn’t getting too many) but as we have four legs, does that count as one or two steps?  

Anyway, it has been a funny week all round. I heard on radio 4 that a lawyer in the United States (which as we know is next to France which has viruses and dogs) pretended to look like a cat.

Yes, but when we saw it on the television, it wasn’t a cat at all – or it was a very strange one. We have been trying to think why they would do that. Of course, we’re beautiful creatures – even the White Delight – but pretending to be one of us should be a crime.

Well yes. Sometimes I think they do represent dogs. When they have bitten someone. You know the sort of thing.

So this lawyer was masquerading as a cat while representing a dog?

I think that may be right.

That White Delight is asking too many questions. I’m going to retire to his igloo for a bit.  

 There’s a Waitrose delivery due soon and I want to be alert for it. You never know what it might contain.

Love

Leo (The Magnificent)  xxxx

Hello Everyone. It’ Simba here. I’m out of my igloo and I’m reading.

Mice Alive! What is he reading?

“ 4 Disciplines of Execution”.  By my incisor! What is a book like that doing in the house, and worse still, left where it is accessible to the White Delight?

Admittedly, he’s not the fastest when it comes to execution, but I don’t want him to improve. Yukko! Horrible!

This is a very boring book. Actually, I can’t understand it.

……But I do like Leo’s reaction. As they say in the book “It will take him out of his comfort zone.”

Oh my paw! Thank goodness he doesn’t understand it.  

But…. don’t you think the White Delight is looking a bit fiercer these days?  I wonder if it has anything to do with that book?  I need to take a look myself. Not that I would learn anything, I’m already a superb executioner, you know, but I wouldn’t want its contents to harm the White Delight in any way.  Otherwise, he wouldn’t be a Delight.

Ha! I’ve read it. He’s right. It’s boring and obvious. The first discipline of execution is “Focus on the wildly important.” Well. You wouldn’t execute a tame mouse, would you? It might be a pet. (Peculiar, I know, but I gather it happens. Perhaps we could ask for one for Christmas?) Anyway, we only execute wild ones. I would never execute a mouse that came into the house, unasked.  It happened once before and we had great fun watching them trying to catch it without damaging it. They are VERY, VERY slow! And they were bitten! Should have asked us.

What does: “Keep a compelling Scoreboard mean?”   It’s the second discipline.

That’s easy. It means keep a count of the mice you’ve caught in the last month. In my case 3. In his case 0.

We’re in trouble for squabbling and putting fur everywhere. Us?  Can you believe it? We wouldn’t do that! 

Love Leo and Simba

xxxx

Hello Everyone, both of us here. As you can see, we are asleep. Well, we’re pretending to be asleep.

We’re a bit tired and bored and we are lying low.

I did not attempt a prang. If I had wanted to prang, I would have done so. I was just practising my boxing skills.

Rubbish! He prangs when he is bored. Anyway, that sea has gone. I think the hippo must have drunk it. Whatever. 

It means pesky Maud is back and so are Jordan (the fake me) and the fake Leo.  (Maud says his name is Jonathan de Freitas. What sort of name is that for a cat?  Imagine the vet calling that out!)

He’s in more trouble now, for using the “v” word. We try not to use it in case it prompts a visit. BUT he does have a point. It’s a very long name. We don’t know what it means.  Our names both refer to lions. I don’t look like a lion.

Leo has too much white. Same shiftiness about the eyes perhaps….. I don’t like the look of that thing at all.  It makes my ears twitch. I’d come in if I saw that thing in the garden. Something else to worry about.

Image from Pixabay

Well, that thing is certainly draping itself about the place like the White Delight. How does he do it? 

But… its ears are like pompoms. I like those. You could give those a good bite. I wonder if they fall off like the catnips. Probably a design fault. How do they hear with ears like that?

I don’t like the direction of this conversation. Cats called Jonathan de Freitas, hippos drinking water from drains and perhaps even scary black creatures in the garden. And..if Leo is thinking about biting my ears I am going back to my igloo.  

Take care and mind that virus thing and anything that looks shifty in your garden.

Love

Simba x

Hello Everyone, Simba Here. I’m just emerging from my igloo to talk to you

Makes you dizzy doesn’t it?  Yes, he is upside down. He does it a lot. Just to be annoying. He’s a bit like a snail with a shell on his back in that thing.

Snail? What is he talking about? He’s jealous because he can’t do contortions.  Anyway, what I wanted to say was that things are going to pot….. and it’s not to do with that virus thing. Not only does that mutant daisy thing malfunction – just look at it –

-but the sea has appeared outside our house. 

Where has it come from?

Let’s get this straight. The White Delight’s “mutant daisy” is in fact a water fountain. It doesn’t malfunction exactly, but it does tickle the nose and it sounds like a drowning hippo. It snorts. The sea is another matter though because it is preventing my Maud from visiting. If she were to attempt to wade through it, she would be up to her nose in water. I wouldn’t like that. She doesn’t swim.

I’m thinking about this.

(What’s a hippo?)

He’s insulting me again, isn’t he?  And he hasn’t told me what a hippo is. Perhaps it came in with the sea? Is it my thinking that’s dangerous or that hippo thing?

Anyway, think about it. Our water fountain tickles and sounds like a hippo so we’re not drinking enough. There’s too much water outside and Maud can’t visit. (Good thing that.  He’s obsessed. Hope she doesn’t learn to swim.)

 So, we could go and drink it and reduce the water level. Simple.

Mice Alive! The water comes from the drains and a hippo wouldn’t fit in a drain.

I’m going out to get some peace.

And I shall take advantage of his igloo while he goes on his drinking spree. Hope he doesn’t come across a hippo!

Love Leo (The Magnificent!) xxxxx

Hello Everyone. Simba here. You’ll see I’m back in my igloo. I’m so worried. A strange thing has appeared in the house.

What is a mutant Ninja Turtle?

Of course not. It’s fictional. It doesn’t exist.

If it doesn’t exist, why is there so much on radio 4 about mutations? And they are very transmissible. (Does that mean infectious?)

You’re getting confused with the mutant virus. That’s nothing to do with a mutant Ninja Turtle. I’m being very patient here, but I feel a bite coming on. Where is your evidence for anything mutatious in this house?

I don’t think “mutatious” is a word. but, whatever. Here’s my evidence….

Mice Alive!  It’s a cat drinking fountain. If you look carefully it says “Catit”

What does Catit mean?

Would you drink from that thing? It looks like a mutant daisy!

It is NOT a mutant daisy and no, I wouldn’t drink from it. I tried and it tickled my nose. Design Fault.

It came in a very large box which contained cat food and…….

Dog Food! What are they thinking? We’re united on this. Standards are slipping.

Love Leo and Simba xxxx

Hello Everyone. We’re both here today because we have been discussing an important issue in the light of all these fakes in our garden.

Leo has been reading the Daily Telegraph…..

Yes. I have at last discovered very important news. Not that virus (although it’s still annoyingly all over the front pages) or fruit-growing in the US. Where is that, anyway? Why are peaches suddenly in the headlines?   As far as I can see they serve no purpose as they are inedible.

Leo. Get on with it.  The US is next to France, the place with dogs and viruses. It isn’t important at all. Anyway, the headline news is about a new cat flap. It contains a Bluetooth camera on both sides and connects to a smart phone. You look at the camera when you desire to be let in or out. It costs £2000. We would like one, but Leo does not want his incisor painted blue.

I do not want a blue tooth. But we must stop fakes getting in. Jordan and Maud would be fine (you’ll remember, my little Maudie has been in already) but that other black and white one, the one the White Delight calls the “Fake Leo”, wouldn’t be acceptable.

Just imagine. We’d turn up at the door, stare at the camera and those things they call mobiles would sound and they would have to let us in.

Think of the fun we could have… they’d be in the middle of a call and our little faces would suddenly appear on the screen blotting everything else out. Without immediate response we could start wailing. Leo could bellow. He’s been known to interrupt teaching with that. Too loud for the students to hear, you know the sort of thing.

But…. I don’t want Maud or Jordan in my house.

Maudie must be allowed in. And I do not bellow. I was only asking a question.  If students couldn’t hear then they are all deaf.

They would be deaf if they had to listen to Leo bellowing. Anyway, what about this cat flap? There are some drawbacks. Leo refusing to have his incisor painted blue for a start, then the issue of whether Maud should be allowed in, not to mention the removal of the mountain of book things blocking our current cat flap so we can’t escape at night any more.

Hello Everyone, Simba here.  The real one. Horrible things are happening.  I don’t know what to do.  First, I am locked in the dining room all night and then…. you won’t believe it there has been a FAKE Simba in the garden. 

A FAKE.  I wonder if it’s one of those revenant things

Well, you can tell the Simba in that igloo is the real White Delight. He says he is worried!

He was locked in the dining room as a result of greediness. He failed to exit the dining room after supper because he thought a kibble had been left on the carpet.

I didn’t “fail to exit “as a result of greediness, actually.  What is he? A policeman?  I was only trying to clean up. Who wants to leave a mouldering kibble lying about?  

More importantly, that revenant thing in the garden really is peculiar and it’s trying to get into the house .  Just look at it.  I’m going to stay in my igloo until it goes away.

Mice Alive! It does look a bit like him, doesn’t it?  But only the body.  The White Delight has a fringe rather than a hat with holes cut in it for the ears.

I’ll have to ask Maud who it is, otherwise the White Delight will stay in that igloo like a snail with a shell on its back.

Look at her!  Isn’t she beautiful? Well my little Maudie tells me the fake- white- delight is called Jordan and he’s moved in down the road. He’s very nervous and thinks the real White Delight is terrifying. The White Delight! Terrifying?  Wherever did he get that idea? I’m the terrifying one around here.

I’ve come out. I’m so glad it isn’t part of the zombie apocalypse, but I’m still not keen.  Anyway, there’s a spate of fakes. Just look at this Fake Leo

Ha!

Love Simbaxxxxx

Day 37

Good morning. It is isn’t it? Both of us here.  Leo and Simba.    We’re scratching our heads this morning and no…it’s not what you are thinking.  It’s winter, not flea season and anyway, it’s a well-known fact we don’t get fleas.  

Hmm I think that might be the other way round, but whatever….  What we’re perplexed about is the zombie apocalypse.   What is it? Can you advise?  It has been mentioned as the cause the current state of affairs in our house – in the world actually  (same thing I suppose) .

They never go out; we don’t have time to relax and be ourselves. You know the sort of thing, have a little scratch of the sofa, jump up and see what’s been cooking (not a lot – they have been eating something called Janes). 

We were under the impression Jane was a person. If that is so they have turned cannibal.

I don’t think they have. It’s New Year, you know.  I think it’s some sort of diet. Anyway, from what we gather, it’s going to get worse. I don’t mean cannibalism (if that’s what it is) I mean they will be going out even less!  I think this zombie apocalypse thing is to do with that virus.

I have been researching. A zombie is an undead corporeal revenant.

That explains it then. What’s an apocalypse?

The sort of thing you do to your catnip mice?

No at all. That’s faulty manufacture.

So the zombie apocalypse is actually the mass destruction of that virus thing?  Bring it on. Then life can get back to normal. They will go out, normal kibble service will be resumed, the postman will pat my head again and we can go about our normal business. It’s a turning point!

Love Simba xxx  and Leo (the magnificent)

Hello Everyone, Happy New Year.

It’s Simba here.

I hope you had a good time despite that virus thing. It has been a bit odd this year, hasn’t it?  For one thing they brought that tree in very early and do you know, they covered it in fake BIRDS! What is that all about?

Well, it’s what they do isn’t it? I know it’s peculiar. Why don’t they catch a real one and put it on the tree? That would be fun. But we did receive our Culpepper mice as usual. That’s a relief. I am going to complain about quality though– they hole too easily.

Look at this!

We’ve been through this before. It’s his incisor that does the damage. Anyway, as I was telling you, we went to our flat for Christmas. We like the flat. Actually, Leo was in trouble, for bellowing at 2 am and waking up the neighbours.

I do NOT bellow. “Actually”. .  I was just bored. My mouse had holed itself, the flat is a Maud- free zone and they spend all their time playing something called Scrabble which isn’t edible. We know, we tried to eat a tile.

We did have turkey though.

Well, whatever! We’re back now and last night was New Year.  They had a good dinner. Venison. We like venison.

Have you made any New Year Resolutions?  I have. I’m going to exercise more.

Yes, and very strange exercises they are.  Just look at this…….

I tell you. It makes me dizzy. I wish he’d stop. It’s like living with a corkscrew and I don’t know which end bites.

Me. Bite?  I never bite……but there’s a New Year Resolution for Leo……

Good luck with your resolutions if you’ve made them.

Love Simba x