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Well, perhaps not humane. I mean we’re not, are we? We’re feline.  Leo could be. He’s a bit too old to catch things now. He just frightens them away.

INFLAMMATORY! The White Delight is confusing “humane” and “human”. And he wasn’t very humane towards the baby rabbit he caught.

Oh dear! I said the wrong thing. That rabbit committed suicide, anyway.

It died of shock as a result of seeing you…… and maltreatment.

Actually, I don’t think it did. How could anyone die of shock when they see me?

I’m severely tempted, myself, on occasions.

I shall ignore that!

Anyway, They are trying to repel deer from those new trees. I thought we could do that. It would be more interesting than common or garden mice and voles, and as for those nasty, noxious and noisy bird things, well they are just impossible. You could get your teeth into a deer.

Oh my giddy Paw! I think a deer might be too big, even for a White Delight. Delusions of grandeur.

Delusions of grandeur? What is he talking about? I caught a large spider the other day.

If spiders were the size of deer, I would move house.

Perhaps this pest control idea isn’t so good after all.

We’ll stick to catching catnip mice!

Love

Leo and Simba xxxx

Moths taste very bitter, you know.  They don’t eat them, do they. Why should we? They complain those brussels sprout things are bitter. They should try eating a moth. Mind you, I wouldn’t eat a brussels sprout either.

 Moths are all wing and no substance.  Anyway, we’re not doing it.

No. We’re not. So, what else has happened?  They put that plastic tree up again with all the dangly bits.  Odd, isn’t it?  Cards began to arrive, and Leo went to look at them on that piano thing.  He found one that looked just like himself.

They can’t copy me, I’m too unusual.

Oh my giddy paw!  Since when did the white delight become so arrogant?  Anyway, he did valiant service deterring the piano tuner from making too much noise.

Yes, but if you look carefully  there’s another thing that’s supposed to look like me. What’s going on?  

You can say that again!

I don’t need to, I already said it.

Anyway, my new drug didn’t quite work out and I have been indisposed.

Indisposed?  What is he talking about?  He’s been ill and I have been worried about him. They’ve been getting up early to give him special tablets, waking me up in the process. It must have been bad for them to get up early.

Oh my giddy paw! So many interruptions!  I can’t hear myself think!

Now I really am confused. Who can ever hear themselves think?

Does he have some sort of internal whirring when his brain works? Is it a sort of purr?

Only one who doesn’t think much could say that.  Anyway, as I have said, we’ve been having an interesting time.

He did say it again!

My day is getting worse. To give you a summary, lots of trees have been cut down in the garden and a pond has appeared. We’re not sure why. That’s unusual for me to not know why something is happening. I must have been very indisposed.

 They say they want more wildlife – perhaps the water will attract more mice for us to catch.

Oh I didn’t know he was going to talk about that… I thought he was going to mention all the visitors staying here recently. I like that actually, but I was used for Graeme to practise picking Leo up. I was picked up and put down several times, quite unnecessarily. It’s because I don’t bite.  If they practised on Leo, he would bite. And bellow.

Mice Alive! I do not bellow….. but I do feel a bite coming on.

Oops, time for me to retire. On the plus side, it probably means Leo is feeling better.

Love

Leo and Simba x

Good morning. It is a good morning. The days are definitely getting better. The sun is shining, prawns are on offer, Waitrose is delivering again and even those birds are singing.

Leo’s happy because he’s had one of his wobbliness jabs. What’s in those things? Anyway, he’s right that Waitrose is back on track, a steak was delivered today. That’s nice. I shall look forward to that. But those birds are still nasty, noxious and noisy, aren’t they?  Do you know, whenever I go out they make alarm calls!  How am I supposed to catch them when they tell each other I’m about? As soon as I get to them, they fly away.

That’s why they do it. To stop you catching one of them. Why don’t you try getting a bit higher and nearer to them?

I have gone very high and it still hasn’t worked and now it’s hard for me to get down.  I don’t like this.  I don’t think I like heights any more.

Oh my giddy paw!  If the White Delight doesn’t like heights, why did he go up a tree?

It was only when a crow squawked above and frightened him, that he engaged those little white legs and got himself down.

Well I am down now and I only went up because Leo suggested it as a means of catching a bird! I saw a large collared dove that would have been perfect with my steak for supper tonight.

What a pity he doesn’t do everything I suggest. I could just send him up a tree when he’s annoying me!

Hello Everyone.

I’m thinking, and I’m a bit worried about something. You can see that can’t you.

Well, I wasn’t really talking to Leo.  I’m worried about him.

Oh, that’s nice. I like to be worried about. I tend to be given more treats. It’s the way the world works. Although, of course, the White Delight is not a dispenser of treats.

No. I don’t give out treats. Anyway, as usual he is interrupting me. Leo is on a new treatment for wobbliness. It’s a Monoclonal Antibody. The question is: which body is it anti? Anti means against doesn’t it?  I hope it’s not against my body.

I was tempted to put my ears back and say my day was going from bad to worse after that comment, but it isn’t. I have an idea. 

I’m even more worried now. He should have said: “My giddy paw” or that other one he likes, “Rattails”. It would have been normal. Perhaps it’s that monoclonal thing. Anyway, I don’t always like Leo’s ideas.

My paw isn’t giddy. It’s perfectly firm. It’s about time the White Delight was sent out on a mouse survey.

Oh, I don’t mind that.  I quite like mouse surveys. They play to my strengths you know. I’m good at it.

Good afternoon everyone.

I’m a bit cross today. They keep calling me “Simma”.  It may be better than “Simbo” but my name is SimBA”.  I would like to be called Simba.

Oh rattail! That doesn’t bode well for the rest of the day, does it? Personally, I call him the White Delight.

Rattail?  That’s different. No I’m not in a good mood today.  The wrong treats were bought for us.  We like Lily’s Kitchen but didn’t realise Lily cooked for Dogs as well. That’s a big mistake on her part.  I shiver when I think I might have eaten one.

You didn’t though, did you? They were given away unopened. And you have eaten dog food before and it didn’t kill you. They are carnivores so it may taste disgusting but it is meat (probably).

I don’t suppose there is an actual Lily who cooks in her kitchen.

Why not?  I thought Lily was rather nice, like her food. Well, you’ll have to tell Waitrose then.

What would I have to tell Waitrose?

Hello Everyone.

I’m worried. very worried!

Yes. What’s new?

Yes, that is new.

They are being made by aliens aren’t they?

Oh my giddy paw!  My day, as always is getting worse, and it’s only just started. Aliens do not exist.

They do! You said so. You told me Johnathan de Freitas was an alien – you remember him, he used to come into our previous garden?

Of course I remember Jonathan de Freitas. He is an oddly named cat, not an alien. I meant he was alien to our garden. He should not have been there.

NO. NOT like Maud. I gave Maud permission to enter.  Don’t be inflammatory. As a White Delight you don’t always delight me. We will have to find out why those holes are there and what is making them.

Actually they’re not much use are they? They are much too big to use. You could fall in.

Well I do. I’m very fastidious. It’s the only way I can keep myself so white. Anyway, how are we going to find out what is making those holes?

You’re going to have to get your paws dirty, fastidious or not! The only way to find out what is happening in our garden is to sit and watch. You are good at that.

You’ve got a fur coat. I’d better go with you to make sure you really go.

This is what he does, you know.  I go out. He ventures to the door, making sure it can’t be closed and goes back in again, leaving me outside.

It’s the only way I can make sure he really goes out.

We’re alarmed and slightly cross

Panicked , actually

No. We don’t panic, do we.

No. I forgot. We don’t panic. Anyway, they have been away again which of course we don’t like, but they have come back with things called Apple Tags. Apparently you can track where something is with them. And they want to use them on us!  They want to know where we go!

I can tell you they wouldn’t like it if they found out! The White Delight goes into the flat below to eat the dog’s food.  Not that I approve of that. He should not consort with dogs!

And Leo. Well he went to the vet the other day. Again. On account of his wobbliness.. and….

STOP. Just stop. Nobody needs to know where I go. That’s the point. We have to preserve our privacy.

And how are we going to do that? Actually, I have just had a brainwave.

That seems unlikely but carry on.

Those little round tags are on the bed at the moment. I suggest we knock them under the furniture so they can’t be found.

Mice alive!  The whole point is that the tags can be located. Even if they are under furniture. But….when you think about it. How are they going to attach those tags to us?  Not possible. Not if they want their fingers to remain intact. They must be joking.

We’ve been thinking about Christmas. It’s a funny thing, isn’t it, taking that false tree out, covering it with toys we can’t play with, and then taking it all down again. Why they do it is beyond us!

The nice thing was that we had plenty of company, various beds to sit on where we could be stroked.

Yes, it was. It’s so quiet now they have all gone. I’m sad.  And there is no more turkey.  I like turkey.  Why is it when we look for one in our garden, we can never find one to catch? It’s like those Scrumbles. They aren’t around either.

Turkeys come from Waitrose. They are not found in gardens. Anyway, I’m not sad, but I am bored! 

Oh No!  That’s not good. He gets me into trouble when he’s bored. And I wish he would stop yawning. Seeing that large incisor terrifies me.

I’ve just had an idea. We could do an analysis of the cat food we are given and how it could be improved.  That would be a contribution to knowledge about the proper treatment of felines.

What does that even mean? I don’t want to analyse it, I just want to eat it. If we could have deliveries of turkeys and mice and the right type of kibble that would be fine. That’s all I eat. Oh, and I like cheese. Philadelphia is nice and that extra mature cheddar.  Oh yes. I had cream the other day. That was nice, too. Yes, I like freshly cooked chicken and that fillet steak was quite tasty……

Oh my giddy paw. He eats everything!  I shall just retire to one of the boxes I was given for boxing day. 

I don’t eat everything. I didn’t eat that round red thing that appeared in my food dish. It looked to be a poisonous berry.